A most dreadful Saturday

It was a Saturday late morning. Not much going on: wake up late, have breakfast, think about how you’ve got nothing going on for the rest of the day. What could’ve been a most wonderful day quickly turned into a most dreadful one…

I am going down the hallway to the bathroom with your phone in hand. Then I finally get that reply from the person I’m infatuated with, in love with, almost obsessed with. But guess what? That message, well, it was the beginning of the end, really.

Have you ever felt so detached from your body that everything just went dizzy, fuzzy, blurry? Like you’ve just received the worst news you could ever conjure? That’s what that message felt like to me. Not only did he not want to see me, but he was leaving to move far, far away. Without me. My heart just felt so heavy: I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move – all I could do was stay frozen in that moment forever.

I had grandiose ideas of what we could have become; what we could have done together. I had never felt so intensely about anyone before, never thinking I’d find someone I’d love as much as I loved him. In the short period of time we knew each other, he became everything to me. He motivated me to do better, try harder, make positive impacts with every action I took. I had never felt more whole up until that point in my life.

But he ripped it all apart. I thought he felt the same way about me. I thought I meant something to him. Turns out he had other plans for his life, and none of them involved me. I wasn’t anything to him. Why would I be? I was never the one anyone would pick to be with. All I had going for me was my smarts and nothing else. So obviously, I’d be nothing to him as well. I should’ve known from the beginning that all I was to him was a game, something to do because he was bored, maybe. It never made sense why he’d pick me, and, at that moment, I realised he actually didn’t.

For a long time after that, any time off I had, I spent filling with something to do. Anything that would stop me from thinking about him, thus breaking down into tears. I had to be stronger than that. I wasn’t gonna be one of those girls whose life is over because of a boy. I never told him how I felt about it all. So I held my head high and turned my sadness into productivity, but that dreadful Saturday never left me. And I don’t think it ever will…

***GUEST PUBLICATION***

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