Open up.

Sometimes love is just meant to be.

I’ve never felt this way before, not from the joys of ice cream or my favourite food as a kid. Sometimes love just has this funny feeling of being the best thing that ever happened to you and you don’t know what it feels like. You don’t know how it feels and makes your stomach turn so you just want to push it away.

Don’t let the fear of the unknown ruin something so great accept it with open arms and cherish every moment you have.

Stop trying to sabotage the happiness you finally found it’s only going to come once in a life time. Open your heart and love like never before.

What is new is old.

I often find my self in this destructive rut in my life making decisions with out properly weighing the consequences. Accepting of what is given to me with out thought or reason.

Looking from the outside in you could say that the last 6 months have been destructive in my life. The reality of it is that it has been everything but. For the first time in years I am able to see a future and be able to find steady ground. No more tip toeing around in fear of how people thought about me or worrying about having family or friends.

I’ll be the first to admit that the future scares me. So many feelings shared and yet to be shared. But the first time in years I can say that there’s true hope in my life.

Hope that I will be able to see the life we should have lived from 2012. I don’t know what the future is going to hold or even the rest of the year. But I can tell you for the first time in years I feel like smiling. Being able to feel this love that she gives me has created a spot in my heart for her for the rest of my life.

You are the love of my life, You always were. Thank you for helping me understand that.

Be right back.

I haven’t written for awhile, it seems like I am having these one month breaks into everything I post. It’s not for the lack of ideas or anything. I just finally made the changes I needed to in life.

I still have along way to go in fixing mistakes of past, making it up to people and going out and getting what I really need and want. I can’t help but think I am on the right bath in life now. Multiple mistakes and bad choices of past are sure coming back to haunt me but I have been able to be much happier now a days. I can only thank one person for that.they have also helped me open multiple other doors to let people know that this change and difference in my life is legit.

I left the person I was with for the last 5 years the person that I shut so many other people out and tore my life apart for. I declined jobs, pushed friends away, pretty much took my life and clicked the delete button on the whole thing for somebody else. I don’t blame her for doing it, that’s just who she was. I blame my self for putting my self in a situation where I had to delete people, forget hobbies, Stop doing the basic things in life to keep me happy.

Now I’m stuck in this learning experience where I need to learn how to socialize,have friends, date. I’m sure It doesn’t seem like those are such a big deal like that’s what happens when you break up, but growing up with anxiety and depression. Than suddenly being with someone that makes it so much worse that made me think everything was okay by taking everything out of my life.

I’m glad I finally woke up but learning everything all over again definitely has been a challenge I have to learn things over again but I also have to learn new things being there for my son in the ways he needs it have been difficult specially because I don’t know what he needs yet.

I’m not anywhere close to where I should have been in my life now I thought I would have had a house some dogs 2 kids, the job, you name it the “perfect” life,

I can’t say it’s all bad though What I do got is 2 people that have my heart and mean the world to me and finally a happy home for me and my son.

It was hard to leave and admit that I was wrong that I just wasted the last 6 years of my life that I grew this “life” in completely the wrong way. It’s going be a journey that not everyone will agree with and it will have a lot of hard times ahead but I’m tired of just taking the easy way in life and just accepting not being happy.

A most dreadful Saturday

It was a Saturday late morning. Not much going on: wake up late, have breakfast, think about how you’ve got nothing going on for the rest of the day. What could’ve been a most wonderful day quickly turned into a most dreadful one…

I am going down the hallway to the bathroom with your phone in hand. Then I finally get that reply from the person I’m infatuated with, in love with, almost obsessed with. But guess what? That message, well, it was the beginning of the end, really.

Have you ever felt so detached from your body that everything just went dizzy, fuzzy, blurry? Like you’ve just received the worst news you could ever conjure? That’s what that message felt like to me. Not only did he not want to see me, but he was leaving to move far, far away. Without me. My heart just felt so heavy: I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move – all I could do was stay frozen in that moment forever.

I had grandiose ideas of what we could have become; what we could have done together. I had never felt so intensely about anyone before, never thinking I’d find someone I’d love as much as I loved him. In the short period of time we knew each other, he became everything to me. He motivated me to do better, try harder, make positive impacts with every action I took. I had never felt more whole up until that point in my life.

But he ripped it all apart. I thought he felt the same way about me. I thought I meant something to him. Turns out he had other plans for his life, and none of them involved me. I wasn’t anything to him. Why would I be? I was never the one anyone would pick to be with. All I had going for me was my smarts and nothing else. So obviously, I’d be nothing to him as well. I should’ve known from the beginning that all I was to him was a game, something to do because he was bored, maybe. It never made sense why he’d pick me, and, at that moment, I realised he actually didn’t.

For a long time after that, any time off I had, I spent filling with something to do. Anything that would stop me from thinking about him, thus breaking down into tears. I had to be stronger than that. I wasn’t gonna be one of those girls whose life is over because of a boy. I never told him how I felt about it all. So I held my head high and turned my sadness into productivity, but that dreadful Saturday never left me. And I don’t think it ever will…

***GUEST PUBLICATION***

Damaged.

The heart was damaged.

It had the potential to be the most beautiful love story ever. How they met, how they Made each other feel the ability to forget everything around them Pain, fear, people, places and things all dispersed when they were together.

But it wasn’t. They had spent most of year talking to each other, being the one true rock in each other’s life when they needed it the most. They knew it them selves but they didn’t know if the other felt the same way. Didn’t know how to express this or tell the other person. They spent the days loving each other and not even knowing it, Pouring more love in the other person than they realized. They joked of it sending ” love you haha jk” Saying things and covering it up with emojis or laughter.

One day it all came crashing down, missed calls turned into not returning calls. Unanswered text messages turned into not talking to each other. Emails not replied to. It was suddenly so easy not to talk to each other. By not saying what they needed to and not saying that they needed to each other everything changed.

There was no more being there for each other. They went different directions. One went on a downwards Spiral of mistakes. And the other settled, settled for what they thought was right and would make them happy.

He clearly resented anything she wanted to do for him. Throwing things in her face telling her of events in his life that should have been with her, pushing her further and further away.

Multiple years later when mistakes were made, when things were a mess and difficult.

Life broke him, Life made him crawl right back to where he should have been the whole time with her.

Suddenly he had to try to fix all the mistakes he made, he made her hate her life multiple times. When she needed him the most he wasn’t there. He didn’t know this until he came back. The attitude of just walking in and everything would be normal and how it was before was his ego.

Suddenly he realized he needed to drop this ego. He messed this up. He ruined both there lives weather he wanted to admit it or not.

5 months of trying to make it right wasn’t enough no matter what he said or did this wasn’t going to be easy. But nothing about the last 6 years was easy either. They settled both of them, The only problem is he wasn’t there for her when she was broken. He hurt her worse than anyone ever has. She wasn’t going to forgive him not now maybe not ever. He knew that this love wasn’t going come easy.

she was going to tell him to leave, say goodbye to him daily. It was going to hurt him, make him want to leave again, it was going break every last string in his heart, it was even going to make him cry.

But every word she said and every feeling she gave him did not compare to the anger, Heartbreak that he gave her the last six years. He destroyed her life, he destroyed the most important years of her life.

All she did was ruin his day by treating him the same way she was treated for 6 years.

2019

2018 Started off weird for me as I didn’t have any expectations for the year and definitely for the future.

I became this robot where I was just accepting things in my life. How ever they came without making changes to fix the problems or mistakes when they presented them selves. I was on this down word Spiral of sadness, depression, I hated who I became I thought I had nothing to look forward to and nothing to worth living for.

I was lonely and sad in the worst ways on the outside I was the same person. I dressed, looked and even acted the same. But in the inside I was a completely different person and no one could see it specially those closest to me.

One day this fall something just clicked I can pin point a few people and events that inspired me or helped me make this change, a few people noticed, people that I haven’t talked to in years or never even talked to on a personal level noticed that I was screaming on the inside for help.

I spent the next 5 months internally cleaning my mental, emotional state it’s not where I want it to be fully yet. But the “hard drive” is almost reset.

For the first time in years I can say that I am looking forward to life. despite The sadness and challenges that it is going to create, it’s also going to create a whole web of happiness, hope. And most importantly it’s going to create a future. A future I always wanted.

Make Changes in 2019 so you can exceed your life expectations.

Wake up and smell “ The bacon of life”

We often wake up every morning with a routine of what we are going to do either for the next hour, for the day, even for the whole week.

We get caught up living the same lie. doing the same thing over and over again pretending we are happy . waking up, starting the car, driving the same route, working, getting off work, driving home, cooking, shower, bed.

Than we wake up the next morning and do it all again living the same lie again. One day we will have to face the facts, can I continue doing this? Am I happy enough to call this “my life” We need to be prepared to make the changes for the better of not only your life but the ones directly involved with you. Weather it be a child, partner, or even a best friend.

You can’t keep pretending that the boring and non productive life you are living makes you happy.

Make the changes in 2019 that are important, That will get you to where you should be. Or where you want to be.

Life floating in the clouds

I find beauty 12000ft in the sky where the layer of clouds covers the earth.

The sun is starting to set, The sky is glowing. As we travel away from what means the most in life to us. We have hope knowing that the help we need is in the horizon.

We often have to big of an ego or we are full of ourselves. Thinking we can do it alone, thinking we don’t need help when really we do. Everyone can see the struggle, the cry for help. But sometimes we can’t see it ourselves until it’s almost to late. When honestly that just makes you feel more alone and makes the problem worse.

We all have to admit to ourselves one day we need help that we can’t do it alone.

Do it.

We often take for granted the time we are given with people.

Weather it’s a friend or a family member. We push aside things – saying we can do it later.

what if we couldn’t? What if you had one chance to tell the person something or 1 chance to do something with that person. Would you do it or would you just think about it?

We need to following the dreams with have set in front of us and we need to tell people what we really need/want. The journey might be hard and the answer you get you might not like, But we can’t hold back and we can’t loose that chance we have.

What ever it is. Do it now.

Him and Her.

The date was January, he was feeling rather lonely living a transition period in life changing jobs moving towns not knowing what he wanted or what he was going to do.

It was a rather normal day for his life he was searching facebook to see all the old classmates and seeing what they were doing as he went in and out of peoples profiles he found this one.

She had dark hair and big beautiful brown eyes there was nothing special about her but that’s what he was looking for just a friend and someone new to talk to.

The message was quite clear and person.

“Hi” ” have you ever played 20 questions”

The reply was quite straight forward but rather nice considering the time.

“Hi, do I know you?”

His reply was just as nice

” no but we have some friends and common and thought we could be friends too”

These questions were out of the normal for her but she still answered them anyways, I guess you could say they served as an ice breaker for there friendship.

In a matter of 4 days they were talking like they knew each other there whole lifes. Not missing a beat logging on to chat /video chat everyday after work/school. There friendship was flawless.

They each had there own reasons on why they felt this was right.

For him it was the fact of knowing he finally had a friend that was there for him and would listen to him no matter what he had to say.

For her it was the feeling of warmth and comfort relief of knowing someone cares about her.

They had the world at there finger tips. He loved her but wouldn’t tell her, as the same for her.

One day he started slowly drifting away, forgeting to chat with her, often ignoring her or her requests to talk.

Slowly tearing that natural connection and friendship they had apart. One comment one day at a time. The large blow to there friend ship came months later when he delivered the final message.

“The memories were great but in reality we know its a no”

This had a huge ripple effect in there life’s he would go on a down ward spiral making mistakes on a daily basis well wishing be had never let her go.

Well she pushed her self into a life she never wanted. Hoping that the consolation prize would come close to what she was hoping for.

After while she began to feel sadness loneliness,

Every once in awhile she would get a random message in her mail box.

” I got engaged ” ” I am having a baby”

” I am moving” “i got a promotion ”

Her response was always the same. The warm hearted caring friend response. Showing love and being caring.

Everytime she seen his name pop up she thought this was the chance to make things right. But it was never the case he was still the same zoned out lost soul

One time he received a message saying how right he was about her. Focusing on points like she was settling and scared to be alone. He left his number and she texted it. No reply, that was the end of that. She knew this was it.

The years went on with no communication between the two Other than the random thought here or there.

Friend ships die. But this wasn’t a friend ship this was something.much more than that.

Several years went by until one day he was feeling like something was missing he needed a friend and someone to talk to. But not just anyone he needed back. He needed HER. He went on the social media website and begun to type he didn’t know what he was going say but he knew it needed to be done.

He wrote one sentence

“Hey you look great! Hope your doing good:) ”

Her reply was Nice but not to nice with a side of why the hell did you message me.

It took a couple of days of him telling her alot of things about his current life and apologizing for all he did to her.

But she opened up.

She slowly opened up more back to the same person. She was before. Trusting him more and more with every message, phone call , video chat.

He wasn’t out of the woods yet. She often reminded him of all the wrong he did breaking her heart and destroying her.

He was okay with that. He would rather have some of the hardest days/ conversations he ever had. Than to never getting to talk to her again.

She finally told him she loved him. And he did the same. Little did they know they both loved each other and thought of each other as the loves of there lifes.

All they did was hold onto the very little hope they had that the one person they thought cared about them would come back.

They no longer regret anything. Because they have told everything that needs to be said. And have felt what it’s like to love each other.